.:Fire*Moon*Star--Light:.
twinkly little thoughts that my mind generates. caution advised ^_^

.:Watashi wa..:.
* krayle=chrael=rachel
* 18
* 20th march *hint*
* loves Christ
* COGS [at Queensway]
* likes gothic morbidity
* quote: i knew once but i forgot

iseethemoonandthemoonseesme

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two more facts about korean dramas.
1. korean drama characters only know about at most 8 people through out the entire course of their lives, of course including family.

2. characters in korean drama spend so much time crying that i wonder how they have the time to fall in love in the first place.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:26 p.m.:.
... She'll be the Queen of Hollywood...
"And when you pray,do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words." -- Matthew 6:7

The hypocrisy all around, all the pretense... it's killing me. I don't know for most people who's real about anything anymore. And I realise that I'm probably going to die out there in the real working world. Which will be very soon.

It occurred to me that I might have changed. Again. For the worse.

Just need to scream, shout, cry it all out. I'm sorry Shirley, my sudden bursting into tears must have shocked you abit. Thanks so much for comforting me.

Need to get away. From everything. I MEAN everything. I'm losing grip on things.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 11:26 p.m.:.
... music: A*Teens - Firefly
Firefly come back to me
Make the night as bright as day
I'll be looking out for you
Tell me that you're lonely too
Firefly come lead me on
Follow you into the sun
That's the way it oughta be
Firefly come back to me.
This song is like really old! But somehow today it's just stuck in my head. Was singing it in the lift and got it stuck in Alison's head. I wonder if it's still there. o_O *wonders*

I realised something else today. That even though I like myself better now than me last time, it was the me last time that more people liked, and the me last time never had a problem with people and socializing.

All the paradoxes of life.

And I think I just might have found the answer, to the question that I've been raving and raving and raving about the past few entries.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has troubles enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all, -
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
For there is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Solitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I think I know roughly where I stand. But still, it's a bit strange.

If only life had a restart button. I'd rewind to the beginning of jc life, and do everything differently.

... Would I? ...

I don't know.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:39 p.m.:.
... got me worrying, got me thinking. about you.
JUST HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. Do I really wish I could read people's minds? Yes and No. More, I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. Things were never like this, not till last year at least. Just WHAT THE HELL is up with me????

This is hard. Because I don't know just what I'm doing wrong. Bu the same thing happens every time... someone comes close, and then after awhile, when they've had too much... they leave.

I especially can't afford to have this happening now. I can't. So why don't you bitches just shut the f up. Especially if you're masquerading as my friend. I trust you to watch what you say.

Now things are falling apart. Happy now? Destroying things just because you can't have them for yourself... Or do you just hate me that much? What kind of prank are you playing on me this time?

Save me please. Save me. I can't take this shit. Not all at the same time, at least. I just can't.

If you're trying to guess who I'm talking about, don't bother. Because I'm talking to a mixture of people. It might be him, it might be her, it might very well be.. you.

My life is screwed. I'm wondering whether all those retarded curse forwarded mails are true. The next one I get, I'm going to kill whoever sent it to me.

Slit slit. Nah.

This morning there was a really interesting conversation going on in our homeroom. Moca and Michelle were discussing about the most COURAGEOUS way to commit SUICIDE. Moca said it first, and then thought again and realised it was an oxymoron. They were talking about like jumping in front of the mrt and all that.

The both of them were talking. I was just sitting there laughing. All that I'm allowed to do nowadays.

God, why is this happening to me? I hate it!

How unlovable.

I was venting by playing the piano before GP. Lost track of time, and my phone was back in the classroom, and so I only walked into the classroom at 12, after half the lesson had passed.

It kinda sucks to be me.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 02:14 p.m.:.
... unforgiving.
random word that popped into my head this morning.

Not very up now. What's wrong with the world?

oh just forget it.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 06:16 p.m.:.
... lifestyles of the ridiculously rich
Talking about the lady at the back of the Urban section of the papers. I think these morning's.

Are there many people like that? If so, if war comes, how many of them will actually still be alive? *random pondering*

TSD TSD... yesterday's group prac went on till like... 8? And I've a feeling we only left because MrLyon had to. I still cling on the the hope that we'll have a sleepover in the Blackbox someday. Lol. Anyway took the same bus home with Lestari, and basically we were just talking la. And like, don't know, I guess she's one of the friends that I never really realised were there right beside me all the while. 6 years of acquaintance.. we were always alright with each other, but I don't think I'm wrong in saying that it's only this year, or last, that we actually grew closer. Yeah. Well. A friend worth keeping. ^_^ Many friends worth keeping.

I wish I could blog about what we were actually talking about, but it's dangerous, so... I shan't.

This boy is cracking up
This boy has broke down

I like being free like this. On the other hand, I wish that I didn't have so much school stuff to deal with. I might actually go get a part time job. What Aunty Choyyoke described of Caroline's job at Borders really didn't sound all that bad. Ah well. Money's coming in this saturday. Hopefully. :S

Ok I'm kinda out of things to write about. So I'm going off, but this is my blog, and I'm reserving the right to come back when I feel like typing nonsense again. AHAHAHAHAHAAA... byebye for now!

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:25 a.m.:.
... you should be proudly holding your head high, glum chum.
Well done to Loong. Know you were expecting alot from yourself... but what's left to do other than your best? And in Reuben's words, there's always the standardcharter races. o_O

So ANYWAY it's been a tiring day... after going to support the race thing [which is strangely draining! and thanks so much to Izzy Long for not abandoning me there among the sea of green-shirted councillors!!!] had to grab a cab down to church, wolf down a lousy chicken rice dinner, and then have a rather intense meeting with just aunty karfoon, tim and gerald. It's quite intense la. Like basic focus on worship stuff... but of course with recent happenings and all, led on to the youths going main service.

And we all know we have issues with that.

It's the resistance to change. I mean, we all have that, inertia and all that shit, but the adult service is being PARTICULARLY resistant! And it's so difficult, and so frustrating, this is the reason why I have refused to lead in main service for so long! Because it's difficult always trying to suit what they demand of you. And personally, although we all know that it's right to serve, how do they expect us to serve when our personal foundations aren't even set right? It's just not fair for them to keep asking so much of us, so soon. It's just not fair.

But on the other hand, I also understand where they're coming from. And therefore, I would like to say to all YE members who happen to be reading this... Let's try harder. Me included. I really dislike being made to go for main service, but... let's all try harder, together. At the same time also try harder to show a bit more respect for the service and all. Because even though it's boring like crazy... This is sth we'll have to get used to sooner or later. And I guess the sooner we understand it, the sooner we can actually plan how to work against it. LOL this is like battle strategies like that. OKOK. Look. I'm not say planning to break up the church. I just think that this high resistance to adaptation, especially to new songs that are just so freaking simple! is really... to be really harsh, I would say, to be despised. It's hard, isn't it, finding the balance between what you want to keep and what you want to throw from the old ways.

And there are alot of adults whom I have issues with. I have no idea how I'm going to survive if I'm going to be forced to work and plan with those people. I think I'll just like go some corner and die. GRAH.

Okok. I kinda need to go. Once again, chin up Loong. You did well.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 12:00 a.m.:.
... Thumbelina
Jacquimo: Ah, we are here, we are here! Alloalloallo!!! Fairies! This is it~

Thumbelina: This? Aha. It just looks like a patch of ordinary weeds.

Jacquimo: Oh, sing, Thumbelina, sing!

Thumbelina: Jacquimo, please. Can you take me home?

Jacquimo: Urgh.. SING!!

Thumbelina: *sighs*
You will be my wings
You will be my only love
You will take me far beyond the stars...
Jacquimo, this is silly! This is a weed patch!

Jacquimo: This, is the Vale, of the Fairies!

Thumbelina: Take me home... please.

Jacquimo: Let me be your wings... like that. Sing. Like that.

Thumbelina: You will lift me high above...

Jacquimo: Ohoho~ Magnifique!

Thumbelina: Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours.

Jackquimo: Hoho!! Increyable!

Thumbelina: Anything that we desire, anything at all
Everyday you'll take me higher--
Let's be practical. This isn't the Vale of the Fairies. And Cornelius is never coming back!

Cornelius: And I'll never let you fall!

--------------------

lol. JACK.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 05:54 p.m.:.
... thanks, that so made me feel a whole lot better.
Just really upset now. Need to scream, but just can't. Somehow. It's not that there isn't enough space; God knows how far everyone is from me.

I'm not just emo-ing or angsting now. I'm f-ing pissed. Even more so because I don't know why I bother to self-censor like that.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:04 p.m.:.
... something is not right.
have i grown even more invisible? or is something happening, anything being said behind my back? i don't know, but i kinda get that feeling. or maybe they've all just have an overdose... i don't get it. i really don't. can someone just please tell me what the hell is wrong with me? i want to know so that i can correct myself.

or is it just that the world is too self-interested to care?

i don't get it. i really, really don't.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:17 a.m.:.
... oily marks appear on walls
can you just tell me what's wrong with me? how I'm falling short of your requirements? coz I hate this feeling of being excluded, this feeling of invisibility that you keep giving me.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 12:37 a.m.:.
... NYAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
I must record the triumphant hour in which I finished and conquered the script.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 04:24 a.m.:.
... momentum
I realised it takes me quite some time to gather momentum to do work. Especially when it requires inspiration, like for TSD.

grah.

Oh Melissa Ng showed me today how to do the turn turn turn jump and then land and roll thing. yayy. okok. I think i have gathered enough momentum. yeah yeah yeah... onward soldier!

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 07:44 p.m.:.
... no, there was never a pact not to sit together.
I hate politics and undercurrents. Alot. And I kinda thank God that I didn't go to SCGS. Nice as most of the people whom I know from there are, I still think I would not have survived.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:24 p.m.:.
... Happy Days!!!
Wellwellwell!! Really sleepy and supposed to be chionging indiv prac script but I just felt the need to prove that I'm not ALWAYS emo-ing only. But yeah lah, can't really remember the last time I was really like high and happy.

But I am happy today! Isn't that a good thing? In the mornings, I find that the buses always come when I'm not thinking so much about it. Like when I'm focussing on other stuff. But once I start to get kanchiong then it usually comes late.

Lalalaaa... Ok la, the day didn't exactly start out perfect for me. In fact just before lit lecture I was hunting for a piano to bang on, and throughout the lecture was just stressing and stressing and couldn't even listen to what the teacher was saying and had to listen to Helena on my ipod. Yeah I love my jacket and long hair. ^_^

ANYWAY! I AM HAPPY BECAUSE TODAY HAS BEEN A FRUITFUL DAY!!! I managed to find someone who was able and willing to help me with my indiv piece!!! A thousand thanks to my new friend reuben!! Owe you big time!

Another person that I owe BIG time is sarah smith! Thanks so much for helping me out with the dance parts babe!! you two have absolutely GOT to let me take y'all to dinner some time. These two naughty... I was supposed to buy them drinks when we were taking a break and they all went to pay for it themselves. T_T I'll have to practice this.

Oh well oh well so anyway we did the pair work dance parts already, just have the solo parts to finish!! yayyyayyyyayy!!!! IS HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 11:42 p.m.:.
... SCREAAAAAAAAAAMMM!!!
oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness even though I can type alot better now because I cut my nails in class today but still I'm so stressed out!! My gosh my gosh my gosh. I can't think of a single guy who can act and dance and who will be free to help me with my TSD indiv practical. *dies*

Save me somebody.

okok I'm online to scout for people. and scout I shall.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:28 p.m.:.
... helena
asx video

wmv video

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 03:03 p.m.:.
... I was asleep! Why won't you ever let me sleep?!
-Estragon from Samuel Beckett's Waiting For Godot

Ok shall not whine shall not whine ISHALLNOTWHINE!

Instead, I shall post song lyrics.

Let's a make a wish
Easy one
That you are not the only one
And someone's there next to you holding your hand
Make a wish
You'll be fine
Nothing's gonna let you down
Someone's there next to you holding you now
Someone's there next to you holding you
Along the paths you walk



.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:57 p.m.:.
... book: Luna by Julie Anne Peters
Well I was kinda gonna go to bed already but realised that: mymy, that WAS a rather angsty post there, wasn't it? So I'm just back to say that I'm feeling alot better today after a bit more sleep, the fact that I listened to Planet Shakers all the way to school, and that last night before I slept, thanks to Crane I actually got a chance to rant and rave and cry all my frustration out.

And now, I'm going to sleep. Nitez.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:39 p.m.:.
... So long and goodnight.
Firstly, before I actually begin this angsty post [this is the disclaimer and warning, so... beware], just wanna say happy eighteenth! to Seema and Sindhura.

The Arena is on tv now. And no matter how much interest my brother Marcus seems to have in watching it, I share absolutely none at all.

That everything in life is supremely futile is something that I've realised long ago, and recently it keeps coming back to me. Maybe it's coz I've been really tired recently, plus alot of ... things... irritating and bothering me. It's like, honestly... f- off.

Loong finally realised today that the class has been rather segregated.. Something that I mentioned to him awhile back but he just gave me this strange look and said, "No?" So, I guess my perfect class isn't that perfect anymore. But I guess we did last pretty long.

Messiness. Sometimes I seem to get a glimpse of why and how people can be so desperate to end all. Don't worry guys, I'd never do something like that. I'm too much of a coward to.

Something interesting. All these past few years, after p6, and perhaps even back then.. Feeling kinda out of place and left out has become such a norm, that now it's a little strange to actually have friends who are close. It's... scary. Because from experience, I've found out that most people just get tired after novelty wears out and leave. Hurts, duh. So you stop hoping.

So I'm wondering. Really. On bad days. Everything just seems so desolate.

Just feel so stifled. But really.. nothing left in me to fight. Even screaming takes too much out. I just need to get away. Far away.

But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be a holiday from real...

I keep seeing cockroaches, or at least black things moving, from the corner of my eye.

Is it me, or are the shadows creeping?

I remember I freaked someone out. Who was it again?.. Ally? I don't know. If I'm not wrong it was in UK. More lonely memories. But at least there were clear skies and cold air and lots of open fields around.

This new keyboard is freaking hard to type. So I guess I won't be coming online so much anymore. Even less than I have been recently.

Hahah. Sorry for the angst friends.

Xiang brought up the topic of an old despotic acquaintance I knew from before. Her tuition friend or something like that. Well. Just proves my point: Despos will be despos.

I feel like burning them. Like just stay away. I'm sure there are other despo girls around for you out there somewhere, that are more than happy to feed your stomachs and your lust and your freaking-- never mind. I can't be bothered.

So what happened to that particular guy? I had to call in a favour from a friend to act as my boyfriend. But me being in the state I am now, I'm not so likely to bother with all that complication and trouble, considering all my dangerous friends are all also-- never mind. Basically, I might just take matters into my own hands. [Author's note: Rachel really likes the big blue blade in her pencilcase.]

Ok this is bad. I'm beginning to split personalities as well. OH THAT'S IT. I'll just ask Keary to settle things for me. Easy. Yeah that's it. Cool. Yo dude. Long time no see.

I missed you.

Reading Jane Austen's Mansfield Park now. I just realised i like the smell of the book. There are certain scents that always bring back memories.

Oh why am I so stupid as to bother. Nothing to be done.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:33 p.m.:.
... music: [set happily on Repeat1 =D] MCR - Helena
My goodness. I've got a new favourite song. ^_^ Still remember the first time I heard it was on the last night of Dramafeste, when I was on the way to school from dunnowhere la. Then was supposed to sync with Loong to get on the same bus and stuff. Then just so happened that the bus I got on was those Nokia Music stuff bus. Then the first MV that I remember playing on the screen there was this: Helena. One of the NUS houses used it for part of one of their dances. And I loved it. And so I managed to hunt it down. Thanks once again to Chunny dear!

Well. That's kinda about it. I mean, anything else I might have to say will either bore y'all, or be far too scandalous to be told. Therefore, I shall say

so long and goodnight...

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:28 p.m.:.
... don't touch me, I bite.
to Mich Lee: Hey girl! Ok I won't bite you. I got the trinity college jacket from my best friend Dawn who went over there to study. yup.

to Moca: dubs are where the original language voices are erased and another language is put over it. you see it all the time for those korean dramas on tv and it's disgusting.

to Angel From Your Nightmare: just who are you? I think I've been mistaking you for someone else, and if you are who I think you are, then you've been answering questions that have not been directed to you, and caused me much confusion, and I have to tell you that I really do not appreciate this sudden intrusion into my life.

and now I'm going off. Everyone just leave me alone... you know how to make me feel invisible anyway.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:52 p.m.:.
... music: Hanson - I Will Come To You
Yayy I'm quite happy right now. Like went to eat Pepper Lunch for dinner [hur, hur] with my family... Then after that visited the vcd shop and realised there were quite alot of shows that I wanted to buy. Like Devil Wears Prada.. last time the Fishbowl cast went to watch it I didn't join them, and they were so hyped about it coz they said it was really funny and all. Lol. Sarcasm rocks. And then there was Emma, and then *gasp* A Love To Kill. Korean drama. Rachel watching korean drama does not happen everyday. So far the only series I've watched is FullHouse. I quite like it. But I hate the series that they fall in love with some person whose parent they later find out had an affair with their parent so they were in chaos wondering whether they were siblings and therefore could not be together and bla and bla and bla and they defeat the evil second guy and girl with their everlasting love but in the end the girl still dies of cancer and the guy does something drastic like take out his eyes or commit suicide by jumping in front of the car. *takes deep breath* that is kinda what the words 'korean drama' imply to Rachel.

hrm... to Loong: I HATE DUBS. I used to think chinese dubs were badbadbad but I realised that English dubs are WAYWAYWAY worse. and... yah hor. o_o I never really questioned it. Just those things that you KNOW in your dream kinda. hrm... *ponders* owell. That's how it went. Maybe it's just balance aesthetically. And no la, where in my dream that you get that weird idea that guys backstab me? Are you talking about the bitching thing? Coz if you were, yeah, it's about the bitching thing. Not so much of people talking bad about me. Yeah. And no la you're not one of them. How could you be? o_O Did I miss something, after all the time I've spent hanging out with you?

Oh did I mention earlier? I bought the Happy Birthday vcd. The munjen show. The one that I'd really wanted to watch and was supposed to go with mel + shu + da they all to watch but never got a chance to coz I was just starting to get busy at the time... Hrm. ^_^ Yayy. But I know that after watching it I'm gonna be super melancholic... So have to time it just right. Hee.

Wah that's about it for today. I like typing. *smiles*

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 11:25 p.m.:.
... I was born too late, to a world that doesn't care
Just had family prayer time. And I'm even more frustrated, regarding what I should do after this.

Well firstly, spent the last two days kinda in a daze... nothing feels real right now. Like everything's just a dream that I'm going to wake up from, hopefully soon, before the nightmare of CTs sets in for real. I think it's mostly due to the weird dreams I had the past two nights.. firstly, the night before, I dreamt that we were all busy doing our indiv preparations and then some equipment in the blackbox kinda spoilt and mrlyon got frustrated and started shouting and then mrhodge kinda came in unexpectedly and fired him for shouting so loud, on top of some other issues. O__O God forbid? Indeed.

The other day Mom kinda lost my angbao money. Like coz I wanted to deposit some into my bank account. And then the packet went missing. But she just found it lying around somewhere in the house so I guess everything's perfect and fine and sun-shiney days now. At least regarding that.

Ok second dream, which was last night, was a really weird dream. I dreamt that a whole lot of us died.. of course I was one of them. Like from some bomb blast or explosion or something... So naturally it was quite alot of people. So we were all like spirits and were supposed to make our way somewhere. There were this contraption thingys that was made out of some pole of wood to which this parachute thing was attached. Three people were supposed to sit on the pole, kinda to balance, and the two at the ends were supposed to hold balloons so that we'd float up. Coz spirits are weightless, seemingly. So the parachute things were supposed to catch the wind, which was quite lovely. Until we tried to cross a random Disneyland somewhere. And then we all kinda got stuck there because the balloon strings kept getting tangled in the tower structures. So basically we were amusing ourselves with playing pranks on all the alive people visiting the Disneyland, like stepping on their shoes and then dancing away when they tried to reach for us. A bit like playing BlindMan'sBuff, coz they couldn't see us. At the same time we all started discovering all our weird supernatural powers. Like floating in air and going through solid objects and stuff like that. It was kinda fun. Especially the floating on the contraption parts. It was nice and peaceful. But things started getting scary when some guy took a prank too far and ended up killing someone. Didn't SEE it happen, fortunately, but it was kinda like he lured the person into some dark room and when he came out, we all knew what he'd done.

Then we were all getting back onto the contraptions and trying to set off again.

I woke up very disturbed.

Well anyway there's more stuff, but it's 11 plus already, I really wanna go to sleep. Shall wake up early tomorrow, go to school and try to study some econs. I'm kinda just so helpless and hopeless about it now. Was hoping so hard that I'd be one of those people who'd LOVE econs... because for econs there are two extremes, you know. You either hate it or you love it. Derrick assured me that he loved it and did really well in it and since I was supposed to be quite the same as him, I should do really well for it too.... But guess things didn't turn out so well. I really hate it. Sigh. How on earth am I going to get through this.

God Save The Queen! I read something somewhere that said the power of the comma was so much so that in just adding that tiny little dash after the first word, this triumphant patriotic motto becomes a desperate cry for help. God, save the queen!

Alright kinda have to scoot, but before I go, hellos to Lim Min my dear friend, and to my beloveds Dawn and Lionel. Angel from my nightmare... are you who I think you are? If so... Welcome. ^_^ If you aren't, welcome anyway... HAHAA!!

Cheerios lovelies. Have a blessed week.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:58 p.m.:.
... music: Tommy February6 - Lonely in Gorgeous
Yupz, I DID realise that I haven't updated for a really long time. Well, sorry, my life isn't as interesting as it might seem from the outside. Hahahaa.

Well I seem to have found a new favourite anime... Paradise Kiss... Maybe because alot of the issues in the show relates to me, at least right now. Haha. To elaborate or not to elaborate.

Well at least for you guys who wanna check it out, it IS on youtube. [youtube seems to have everything] and JOY!!! it's in japanese, with english subtitles. Getting so sick of english dubs that they have on animax.

So anyway... so.. have you found my blog? Heh... even if you have I bet you won't be reading this, at least not any time soon. And if you are, may I ask how you found it?

Gonna be out whole day tomorrow I think. Haven't managed to get ANY mugging done and it'll already be Friday tomorrow. Today is one of my stupid days, actually... Brain doesn't seem to be working very well. Vic might be correct and it might actually be stress... Or maybe I'm just not used to doing house chores. Quite irritating. Or maybe I'm just making more excuses.

But one thing that I know I AM quite worried about, and am qualified to worry about, is just where I want to go after JC. Ok, I know, I know, worry about A levels first... as it is, I'm flunking econs and don't seem to be able to get out of the U grade... I really don't know what to do about it. I can understand it as much as I want, and personally I think there's already been an improvement the past few months, what with better teachers in school and a bit more coaching from aunty elma and studying with loong. But still... I'm such a failure.

And so. That's why. I really don't know where I should be aiming to go. NUS? That'll be nice and safe, but I don't even know if I can get in with grades like this. Loong's been suggesting Berklee School of Music, in America... but it is a long way to go. I visited the site this afternoon, and kinda... got a panic attack and hurriedly went off. Don't know. It kinda scares me. Like wondering whether I really want to take that road. Because I'm not sure, I have no confirmation.

Maybe also coz it's abroad. So I decided to take a look at a local arts school... Laselle. Well. So far I'm meeting their requirements, rather. Erm. Well. Should be la. Two A level passes. That'll be my lit and TSD, I think. Yah. Well they need proficiency in English.. that's something I definitely have, I should hope.

And then after looking at the courses that they offered I got confused again. This is when it becomes really bothersome to be a jack of all trades and master of none... dabbling in everything but not really being that good in all. There are some that are masters of all trades. GRAH. those people arh. Make life difficult for people like me only. WTH. Haha lol ok I don't really mean that... I wish I was someone like that. Or maybe I don't.

Told you guys this was a stupid day.

Well... there's that dread... there's a closer dread, which is the coming CTs... is there ANY WAY I can wriggle out of them??? I'm far too stupid... What am I doing in RJC???? I honestly have no idea. I really envy Bib, getting into Laselle Design. GrAh. Some people are just talented. Some people just KNOW what they wanna do in life. They just KNOW. But I believe I'm not alone in being confused and uncertain, am I?

Oh man. I'm gonna try even harder now not to bitch. Like about ANYONE. I'm usually sorry about it. ARGH. I hate pple hinting and bitching and shit. Leave it to the skirtschools please. In primary school I hung around with the guys coz I thought they fought any unhappiness out, unlike the girls who'd smile to your face and then stab you in the back. Well. I guess life just gets more complicated.

I should stop being one of the people I despise.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 12:50 a.m.:.
... let's take a vote, shall we; is it better to be generally liked by many, or deeply loved by a few?
I think this has been a very very good weekend so far, with the exception of the fact that I am rather tired. It's about to get worse, but.. well. All my loves are making things very much easier for me.

It's still Saturday night for me, even though the post says it's Sunday. Just got back from studying with Loong, even though hardly anything went in. Coz I was too busy laughing, kinda, while we were at the library, and after we left it, I was too distracted to get anything in.

So well let me start from yesterday. ^_^ I'll try to make this fast because I'm quite sleepy already.

So anyway, A level results were collected by the j3s yesterday... and then, I have no idea why, but Ian and Dexter were in school as well, I don't know why, they're j4. *whispers: oldies!* but yeah, got to say hi to Dexter even though I was having TSD group prac, because he came all the way down the the BlackBox, opened the door, said "oops sorry", which let me know he was outside. LOL.

After practice, went off and met Lionel at City Hall for dinner. [I got your mms just before I actually met him, Loong.]

Ok sorry dudes and dudettes, I got a little distracted printing some birthday vouchers. Haha. Sorry loves.

Well anyway Lionel and I were basically bumming around City Hall area... both of us were quite tired and stoned but still... really enjoyed your company boi... ^_^ Thanks. For everything.

Ok ok quickly on to today. Lol. Morning had TSD group prac till about 4... It ended at about 3 but I hung around till 4... just lazing but also kinda trying to see if anything needed me helping. xD

After that rushed back home and helped Mom out ironing the boys' uniforms... hrm... ok that's not too bad. Yeah. I know I have to help out with the chores, but I just HATE it when she starts going: "Especially because you're a girl..." Grr. I spend all 17+ years of my life [ok lahz, not so much, maybe about 8 years or so, since I was 9 or 10] trying to prove that I, a female, am as good or better than any male in my acquaintance, and I still get this kinda stuff from home. gahh.

But it was quite fun ironing nehh. Like smoothing out the creases ... so easily. If only every problem were this easy to solve.

After THAT went down to Bishan Library and... wait I said this already. So shall tell y'all what happened when I got off the mrt train and was waiting at the station area.

Leaning against the wall, listening to the music on my mp3 player, when I hear an excited, "RACHELLL~~!!" and see an enthusiastic figure bound and pounce towards me.

I <333 AMANDA. ^_^ much love girl. seeing you today really made me very happy. I've been missing yoU! coz like hardly get to talk to you in church now. Like very long never see you like that. grr. why like that. must be my fault. sorry!!

Well anyway had dinner first, and on the way to the library, I finally bought the newest Evanescence album. ^_^ yayy I'm happy.

I guess I should've known that Loong's psychicness is rubbing off on me. I should've thought about it a bit more when it occurred to me that bishan is his turf... no, not talking about Loong. I even kinda pushed away the thoughts of him that occurred to me when I was buying the album.

Lol. no use. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Met him in the library lift on the way down because the place was closing at 9. Heh. It was quite... strange, if you will. Coz Loong and I were on the fourth level. When we were waiting for the lift, there was a couple there, and I knew that the girl, at least, was from RJ. Yeah, seen her around, plus she was singing for the JazzClub performance for cca feste and bla. Loong didn't realise, which is kinda weird. Maybe if Aaron were there he'd be able to confirm for me. But yeah, I'm quite sure. ^_^ Then on the third level, this other RJ girl stepped in. Behind her, wearing a green jacket, was this guy from RJ called PanDeng. And behind HIM was his flatmate, Choon Wing.

Lift doors closed, and everyone kinda stood there in awkward silence. I was like, "This is like school lift la," but he didn't seem to get it.

Heh. I can see his efforts not to avoid me. And... well. I'm grateful. Very much so. Like something that keeps coming back to mind these past few days was how he pulled away when I reached for his hand, and all I grabbed was air.

*needs hugs*

Well well. I shall go off now. Actually I'm quite happy lah. like this weekend, get to meet so many of my loves on the street. ^_^ So anyway, read the blog title, and vote kae!! eberytime ask y'all to vote y'all never tag one... basket.... VOTE OR I'LL ROARR!!

^_^ nitenite



.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 12:38 a.m.:.
... hope I didn't wake you
I guess the hardest part of insecurity is the part where you realise your feelings towards another person aren't reciprocated. It doesn't only have to refer to romantic interest... friendships do fine too.

So in a way, I guess I AM sensitive... sensitive to the small things like words and actions that tell you exactly, whether or not you are alone.

Ahhh whatever. It was too good to last... I... guess? I don't know. But I guess no one's to blame, or at least not on their side, when this kinda thing happens. Like, I guess there must be something wrong with me, that causes everyone to walk away from me like this, at least after awhile. *shrug* so, if you know what it is... please. Tell me. So that I can change it.

SIGH.

Well I guess there WERE good things that happened today. ^_^ TSD prac went alright, though it was quite stressful... Like the blocking stuff isn't really working out. And then I kinda have the whole group shouting instructions at me that are sometimes totally out of my character and when I tell them what I'm sure I should do they keep contradicting me. Or, better yet, they just stare at me or ignore me and keep talking. Like... ok. Wait. This was supposed to be under my list of good things.

This is quite hopeless. I give up trying to classify things. I guess I'll just talk about my day in general, things that I remember that I CAN say here without having to worry who's going to visit and read.

I don't know. It's... sad. When like... practice kinda finishes. And I happen to be sitting at the table onstage and I just put my head on my arms and happen to doze off. Next thing I know, MrLyon is calling my name and asking if I'm dead, and when I raise my head, everyone else is gone.

This isn't the first time it's happened. And whenever it happens I just think:

MISPLACED. I'm not supposed to be here. I have no place with these people. I don't belong here.

And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, except clench my teeth, try to stop up the emotional bleeding, and try my best not to be so inadequate. So you see, I'm not merely putting myself down, just for the sake of getting praise, or for fake modesty. Things HAVE happened that render my conclusions... well... accurate. And that's the sad and lonely truth, my friends.

你说，你说
说我爱听的结果
说天虽辽阔，爱不是折磨
有我就够了，自由算什么？
要你说，你说
说你还会爱着我
说不怕沉默会将你反锁
你情愿停泊也不愿飘泊
就当哄哄我

Well, at least I got to see Lionel today. He and his friend Samuel were at West Mall and Lionel msged to tell me that he was in my area, like I always do when my family happens to decide to have dinner in his turf, Ginza Plaza area. Heh. It was good to see him again. Really good. I guess this was the best thing that happened to me today? Kinda.

OHH!! Wait. Ok. Just so people don't feel unappreciated... the feeling sucks, I know from experience. BigBig THANKYOU!!S going out to:

Gerald for his many random calls to check on me and stuff, somehow always poorly timed to when I'm busy or with people so that I can't talk very long. I'm sorry friend!
Ally for this morning at Lit lecture... It was cold and my nose started running so I kinda sniffled... and straightaway she kinda whipped her head to look at me. I didn't look at her so she turned back... Then when it happened a second time she whipped back and was like, "are you ok??" really worriedly. *hugs* thanks girl. for being really sensitive to... EVERYTHING. Yes, I noticed you leave the space next to me, and then when you realised it was going to be left empty, filled it with yourself, your love and your big eyes and smile.
Nivi for the random big hugs and 'I love you!'s... I really felt them. And I needed them so much. So... thank you. ^_^

Oh ok randomly, I conducted a photoshoot for all the highlighers in Nivi's pencilbox.


horizontally.


vertically.


diagonally too.


colourful... *dazed*


the world is coming to an end!!!


oh ok. erm. maybe not. *twiddles fingers*


highlighters feat. Amazing Grace's bag.


highlighters feat. Amazing Grace's bag and a traumatised-looking Lau Wen Loong.


this is me attempting to be arty, ok? I KNOW it sucks... but this is MY blog so INDULGE ME WILL YOU.


>_> <_< >_> shaddup.

Ok anyway it's kinda like... 10-ish... but it already feels kinda late. hrm. wonder why. Oh I know. Maybe coz I tucked my mom into bed coz I found her K.O. on the bed. sigh. no worries, I'm an expert at it already, experience of ... 7 years? HA perfect number.

I'm feeling quite alot better coz friends are coming to talk to me online so I shall go talk to them ^_^ chaoz peeps. Oh just in case you guys wanna know, it was Aaron's 18th yesterday. And on a p.s.s. kinda note, I passed him yesterday. Looked up and he was smiling and waving at me.

If only...

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:40 p.m.:.
... i just saved the password to my email on my brother's account wtf.
Basically, it's been a bad day.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 11:08 p.m.:.
... Players ex-co ROCKS BIG TIME manzzzz [music: Breathe Again by Juwita Suwito]
anyway I am SO not supposed to be up. in fact i already took off my classes and they're on my table in my room and i'm far too lazy to go get them so you guys will just have to put up with whatever spelling errors i have till i next decide to edit. ^_^

ANYWAY today was quite fun... was out like the whole day. woke up and went for piano, came back washed up and then headed down to clark quay to meet dexter kor. lol. this is like the first ever time that we actually met up, after all the empty agreements to go for lunch or something kinda thing. lol. it was quite fun but i think we need to talk a bit more before we can actually be comfortable enough with each other to just be quiet and say nothing. i found out the other day that a certain someone's [names are censored to protect the identity of minors and pets] special someone thinks so too. [omg please don't kill me i'll feed you more cereal ok??] but anyway yeah back to what i was talking about prior my detour, just wanna thank my kor [i know, i know, who on EARTH plays that anymore?? but yeah it just kinda stuck. so, if you don't like it, i'll say once more, this is MY blog, you scram. :P] once more for allowing me to take a really important call that came in from dawn from australia... yeah. it meant alot. to the both of us, i'm sure.

when it gets to the part where he's breaking her heart...
...

i came across this song the other night. and i say to moca... you're right. please don't be guilty and STOP AVOIDING ME IN SCHOOL DAMMIT! i'm not pissed or anything. please don't be guilty because you were right. ARE right, i mean. [for those of you who don't know, he kinda gave me a scolding lol] tho i do resent you doubvting my feelings. well. maybe further down the year, when i'm even more calm about it... yeah. but yeah, you're right. i should stop. but if i may, i request permission for occasional relapses.

Alright. this song goes under my personal list of therapeutic songs. enjoy the lyrics pple, have a good night!

Have you wondered how it feels when it's all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you're going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

*I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little Try a little more
I�ll breathe again*

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It's a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Don�t want to live on life replay

*I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little Try a little more
I�ll breathe again*

Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

*I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little Try a little more
I�ll breathe again*


.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 01:14 a.m.:.
... music: Gary Jules - Mad World
WELL today was a weird day indeed. Sigh. I don't really know where to start blogging about. Perhaps I shall start by replying tags.

to Moca: I don't really get the 'healthy irony' part of your comment.
to Grace Zhang: Heya! I'm quite surprised y'all remember me actually. like Yikai got in touch the other day, and Jiacong waved to me the other day when she saw me at FarEastPlaza. ^_^ how y'all doing anyway, under the tyrant rule of sallywong?
to Loong: Do we??? I think it's quite cute what!! no??
to Lionel: ^_^ Hey there friend~ if you're talking about the pictures, like the brown one... heh... I didn't take them. :$ xD
to Gerald: YES you ARE!!! =DDD thanks so much for everything friend!

okok. now I'll give y'all more pics to look at. hahaha. this time a bit better resolution coz taken with my mom's phone. xD

lovely lovely pineapple tarts. this is the first CNY I've had that I didn't manage to touch ANY bak gwa till the third day. O_O
random relative's dog. it's damn scraggly la. like the head looks fine, that's why I took a picture of it, but maybe it's the breed or what, the hind legs are damn... bare.
look at what the cat dragged in: itself.
myself in the car on tuesday morning.
aunty florence, marcus's godma, working with watercolours. she was duplicating her shifu's artpiece from a photograph. I love the mix of colours on the palette.

After the Engs house we went to visit the Lis. when we were at the gate trying to attract some attention so that someone would open it and let us into the house, I saw this figure walk into the kitchen. I was like, "Dexter's here."

I was right!
dexter kor, myself, joshua and dear brother martin.
awww.. how cute...
ok the addition's spoiling the picture.
braces friends!

Next house we visited, was Kim & Steph's. ^_^

their dog Jupi. adorable thing.
a plaque on their piano.

There was some hooha about whether they were going to adjourn to paul ho's place after that, because although there was an xbox, the other girls had nothing to do there. I suggested bringing the mahjong set over, which solved all problems. xD

paul's youngest brother luke is so funny. that's a cushion on his head btw.




a rare bit of self love. wearing braces has really changed the shape of my face. at least the cheeks and the jaw. everyone keeps telling me I've become skinnier recently. I realised this evening it might be because of the braces. or it might be because I'm trying to save money.


My new favourite toy. my gosh. I SO have to tell you guys about this gun. It's, of course, just a toy gun... the noises it makes are terribly fake. The blue light you see it's just a generally bright light thing. What I love about it is the laser, which is the red dot, if you guys can see it. MY GOSH. We went out to the balcony and were testing it's range. It easily reached the block opposite, and the blocks on our far left. then we tried some houses REALLY far off on our right... AND WE COULD SEE IT. CLEARLY. MY GOSH. I asked Gerald how far off those houses were, he said AT LEAST 200m. MY GOODNESS.

Ok that's about all I have for you today lovelies. I really don't wanna start repeating myself about relapses and thinking of him and stuff... But yeah, I have been remembering him alot. But like... it's kinda numb. I can't tell at present whether I love him or hate him or am just totally indifferent... but I know one thing.

That all guys seem to have the same dirty green kinda sling bag.
somedays all i do is watch the sky..."

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 07:44 p.m.:.
... if you'd seen me today... what would be left for you to say?
Photobucket has finally picked itself up off the floor. therefore I decided to post some pictures. ^_^





And now marcus leaves me no time to blog about any happenings. sigh. bummer.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:12 a.m.:.
... list of forbidden songs.
1. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.
2. Forever Love by Wang Lee Hom

Do not, I repeat, do NOT play these songs in front of me.

Well anyway, first day of CNY... I was quite surprised to get about 5 'happy cny!' msgs from friends.. but yeah I guess it's already considerably little compared to my brothers'. My friends not very cheenafied.

Visited about four houses today... you know, red packets are like christmas presents, they have an inverse relationship to your age.

Hrm ok let's see... updates? Well... there's nothing much actually. Yesterday was pretty much lazing around. OH. The reunion dinner. Was at Warren Golf Club's chinese restaurant. Sucks man. Big time. Service also like blehbleh one. Halfway thru I had no appetite or stomach space left and was just stoning there. My mom kept gesturing for me not to scowl or look so fierce but I'm sorry.. that's just how my neutral face is like, I'm sorry if it's not an neutral as an idiot's.

Blablabla... my brothers are watching House of Kungfu now. *does an Aaron sniff* Lame predictable munjen shows. Hahaa ok la ok la it's so-so la. I think perhaps I might not really like it coz sallywong used it in as an example in something that she was sharing about with the Levites before. Bla. I wonder what's up with her now. But I'm not going to risk my neck.

Hrm. Actually maybe I should go back and visit. HAHAHAA!! I remember there was quite alot of hoohaa the last time I went back. Like juniors' heads and hands sticking out of the windows.

OHH YESS I rmb now. It was... damn fun. ^_^

Ooh I see someone has finally decided to drop by. *smiles sweetly* Don't forget Doggy, I have about 13 days head start. Whee, see, 13, favourite number, stop and stare and give me some time to run even further ahead. xD

Lahahaa...

I realised I didn't blog for V-day.

...

Well, what do you want me to blog about? I'm vice-president of the Lonely Hearts Club, set up by Lau Wen Loong. Ok la ok la. I spent the day with the club president. This is the first time someone else other than my mother has waited for me while I went for dental. I felt quite guilty and was trying to make the clock as shy as possible by pinioning it with my eyes. I hate wasting people's lives. I don't quite mind people wasting mine just yet coz I love stoning and currently don't quite have a very firm objective... Heh. Oh which reminds me that NUS sent some openhouse thingy to my house. Anyone interested in going down with me? ... Doggy?

okok I got caught up with some other stuff, see you guys around.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 04:44 p.m.:.
... music: Planetshakers - You're Worthy To Be Praised
So sorry for not updating alot recently friends. Been getting home quite late this past weeks and then whenever I'm kinda free the computer isn't because I do live with two brothers, if you at any point of time happened to forget.

Yesterday was... tiring. But it was quite fun. Rather. In the morning, took a bus down to CCAB without knowing exactly where to stop. There were four other RJ people on the same bus as me... none of us knew any of the rest. Oh, wait, I did know Huiting. So anyway, at this stop that was at a red brick wall, one of the RJ guys got off.

The other four of us stuck on the bus were in confusion. If you can imagine, all four of us were like frantically turning our heads to look around. LOL. super funny. But finally of course we got off the bus and made it there la. xD

Ah. I don't really know what else to blog about. Can't upload any pictures coz my phone's charging.. blabla. Was just super super tired la, yesterday. It's all the activities and late nights. In a certain him's words, 'the fatigue all accumulated.'

In fact I feel like going to sleep again now. ^^ heh. well. Happy CNY to all. ^_^

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 02:20 p.m.:.
... music: Ua - Beacon
It's kinda freaky when the first thing you see when you get off the bus to your home is a police car gliding quiertly into the carpark and two policemen come out and kinda look at me as they walk. I thought they might head for me to check for curfew but they headed towards the skate park behind instead.

Anyways grace's piano ensemble concert was... WOW. SHE IS SO FREAKING PRO PIANO PWNAGE LA!

After the concert we were originally supposed to go dinner and all but what happened in the end is that we took the wrong bus down. I think everyone was really tired... and it's quite tiring to be hyper when you're really tired as well, but i think it was worth it if it brough the general mood of the atmosphere up. Which it did. Unless everyone was just acting along with me, then I say thank you to jishun + yiwen + loong + yinqing + grace for playing along to cooperatively. :)

We were carrying a cake around the entire time, because we wanted to celebrate grace and jishun's birthdays which fell on this week, and when the bus didn't come, there were suggestions to just celebrate at the busstop. A BIZARRE BUSSTOP BIRTHDAY BASH!! [alliteraion rocks! XD] But just as there was a general agreement, the bus came. 171. Supposed to take us down to Newton, but we screwed up the sides and took it the wrong way. Realised when we were at JalanJurongKechil there, nearby ruth ngo + dominic neo + alethea eng's houses [they all live around the same blocks].

It was kinda late, so we just had the birthday celebration... in the middle of the overhead bridge!!! WHOOOOOHOOOO~~~ Beat that people! having a birthday celebration, cakes, candles and all [ok la strike 'all' there were no balloons and poppers and all that shit but there was the cake so who cares?] IN THE MIDDLE OF A OVERHEAD BRIDGE! Ha!

It was damn cool la. Yayyyyy must do it again! or even better! like yingqing suggested having mine in a tree~

Yah wah I realise I'm in quite a chatty mood. Today carried over from yesterday.

Ok honestly speaking, yesterday at the concert, I wasn't feeling THAT up. I was considering confrontation with the person but things worked out otherwise. But... you guys remember me saying that somehow it's easier for me to be cheerful when others are down? I guess it's something like when no one feels up to any festivity, I try my best to get everyone's spirits up. tho i'm not very sure if moca's theory that i thrive on evil is totally untrue.

OK WHOOTS! it's a happy day.

oh and I met up with dawn too!! argh I forgot to bring her jacket and the present i had for her. like in the morning i gathered them into a pile and then went out to get a plastic bag. but it being early morning and me not getting enough sleep and being really blur, I... forgot. and then rushed out of the house coz i was late and missed thebus and had to walk to the bus stop and then while waiting i realised that i'd left the things on my bed. DARN.

but anyway she was supposed to meet me at 1, but when i was walking to the bus stop behind school she msged say could we meet at 2 instead because her father just came home from overseas and she has to stay with him for awhile. I told her to take her time but continued to the bus stop anyway. didn't go back coz it's some distance and i lazy la, to walk. Just so happened the first bus that comes my way is one that goes to her place, so i just boarded it and then spent about half an hour to 45 mins replying elisa twin's letter at a deserted bus stop at the back of her place.

Told her to give me call when she was leaving the house, and then gave her a scare when she came to the corner.

"Good morning, may I be your escort?"

Lol. yeah. well. that's about it la. for yesterday. =) today is to recuperate my energy! and go shopping for chinese new year clothes. xD

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 11:55 a.m.:.
... music: FFX - Someday The Dream Will End
Ahh. Stuff about dreams again. Don't wanna think about it.

My phone is seriously in really bad condition. Like I'm in the middle of a phone call and it conks out on me. Sheesh. Irritating.

I'm tired. I think it must be some of the after-effects of watching the HCJC Dramafeste. It was ok la. Nothing THAT spectacular. Last year Ares had one that was BRILLIANT. The murder mystery with the schizophrenic boy. I think at least two of the plays were kinda influenced by that. Or maybe the playwrights just have the same kind of mentality.

Ah I'm just feeling quite off now. I think it usually happens after watching plays and movies.

Shucks man. I'm dead broke. Why is it always like that, where does all my money fly away to??? It's not fair. Aiyah. Never mind lor. Today I wasn't that hungry after breakfast till dinner anyway. And that was a cheeseburger gulped down in the blackouts during the plays. I'm sorry HCJC Dramafeste people.

Ahh ok. I shall retire now. Check out my capital letters at the beginning of each sentence man.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 11:35 p.m.:.
... music: Barlow Girl - Never Alone
I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel you by my side so
I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here
And I'm never alone

what to say? lol i wasted most of my journalling stamina for the day on my personal journal. but ok, ok, i shall try.

well last night, went to Timbre at dhoby ghaut area with A01D... jishun! you did super well! =) i think i'm back to liking How To Save A Life. xD

and guess who else i met there? amanda soon. hahaha. it was quite amusing. but yeah well. =) she's a nice person.

well have to say sorry to my classmates, for feeling a bit off, and not really trying to conceal it. either that or moca's girlfriend elizabeth is like super super observant. which i think is the case. =) so sorry guys. the sappy love songs were gettin to me.

and then just as we were about to leave, they played Chasing Cars.

just stab me.

so naturally i was kinda outta there as soon as i could. didn't even really say goodbye to amanda like i meant to. was just in such a hurry to get out and away.

was way past curfew, but earlier than i would've been if gerald hadn't happened to call me and ask where i was. i really feel quite bad about him always driving me home, when i was at like other gatherings that didn't involve him. but he kept saying it's ok, and that it's God's will that he felt the urge to call me. i'm not saying i don't believe it, but i still feel bad. thank you friend.

well anyway. remember what i said before about having good days and bad days? i think today was considered a bad day. the morning, at least, was bad. very bad. tearing all over the place like a korean drama nut. first was when Keep Singing was playing on my phone when i was at the spex gall, and then during morning assembly..! my gosh. one of the pe teachers saw me the first time, and suggested that i stay in the toilet and skip morning assembly.. hahaha how nice of him. fortunately nobody caught me the second time. i would've just cried and died.

ok. now, i guess i have to tell you why exactly. it's kinda silly, but mich says its valid, and this is my blog, so if you don't like it, get outta here.

i dreamt he came back. i dreamt that he came back to me.

you know there are different types of dreams. there are surreal dreams in which you can fly, and some dreams in which you know are definitely dreams and hope you can wake up soon, and some dreams that are so real that you believe that it is actually happening. this one belonged to the last one.

it's not the dream that hurt. the dream was beautiful. it was the waking up and finding that it was only a dream, that it wasn't real.

that sucked.

you don't remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do...

*i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

have you forgotten all i know
and all we had?
you saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
i knew you loved me then

i look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
so many things inside that are just like you
are taking over me

aiyah. well. nothing i can do but wish. and that's never worked. praying works loads better. i was doing that quite desperately in the morning.

well ok now about slightly happier things... let me tell you about my mom.

we concluded that being anal about curfew times was a mother-who-are-teachers thing. like my mom. ok la, i was late like 45 mins after 1030, which i told her i'd be back by. tho they only started serving the food at about 930 so it's not really fair. but basically when i got back, i was kinda tired and totally not in the mood to even quarrel with my mom about anything so when she threatened to confiscate my phone i just went, "whatever la, do whatever you want" and went to wash up. when i came out the phone was gone, so whatever lor.

this morning i had a bit of problem waking up coz the alarm was different? but i did la. and went to school early, to run. coz i thought it might help the frustration. now i used to go to this bus stop behind west mall to wait for my bus, but nowadays i've been going to the stop just before that. yeah. so, went to that... and then when the bus got to the west mall stop, i somehow spotted my mom.

i tried waving to her but she didn't see me. so i just kinda watched her carefully scanning the rows of seats behind me, and then she even scanned what she could see of the top deck. [yeah it was a double-decker bus]. i was like wondering what she was doing while trying to catch her attention.

when i FINALLY was seen by her, the bus doors had just closed. so she managed to stop the bus and get them open again. LOL. then she passed me my phone and five bucks [coz she knew i was broke].

so on the bus ride there i was just remembering everything all my friends had told me about my mom being funky and funny and cute and amusing and bla. and like, come to think of it.. she is. xD

ok lahz. i don't know if there was more. but i'm really tired tho it's only, what, 10.40pm. yeahhh. i guess there's more to say but i'm never sure about what i should and shouldn't say here anymore these days... so if you want to know why don't you just come and ask me and i'll tell you or sth. lol. but if you're worrying about me, frankly, i think it's ok. =) it's nice to know you care. but i had a generally ok day after all that.

ok then, nitenitez. special thanks to ally, mich, loong, aaron, gerald for the love yesterday and today. [i should stop thanking people like this, i'll just end up naming everyone i think.] God bless y'all always. *hugs*

I see it now and I
Can say it's gone, that would be a lie
Cannot control this
This thing called Love...

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:58 p.m.:.
... music: Amanda Perez - Angel
to compensate for the terrible lack of posts recently, i decided to post some pictures!

these were taken last wednesday, on the 31st of Jan. =) some of us wore our secondary school uniforms to school, and during break, we all photo-whored like crazy~

ok. now the problem is, where to start.

mich and myself. she's not really from CHIJ but she just wanted to try. she looks really really strange in their pinafore tho. o_O

yingqing & grace. the second pic is like super cute laa.
loong & yingqing. he's so gonna kill me.
pimp.
loong & myself.
speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil. and there WAS evil. there's a picture of it. but it's damn sick i don't wanna put it up. it's the weiren/yiwen one.


all our macho men.

after school, a handful of us headed down to orchard Paragon for lunch.

oops looks there's only one picture i decided to upload. awww.

*runs*

after that, yingqing & yiwen left to do H3 history stuff that was due tomorrow. aaron, loong and i almost ended up kboxing, lol. interesting. but in the end they sent me home. like all the way.

i don't know why but they kinda like this photo. it's something about aaron looking pissed and loong looking traumatised.
aaron so cute lol.
they look damn adorable here. awwwwww...
their first shot at photo-whoring. coz i think aaron discovered that self-shots can actually be quite nice~
second try. everytime loong sees these he goes "damn gay la!"

yeah, they came up to my place. in the lift i just stared at them and was like, "i can't believe i'm bringing you two home."
i've found someone who actually looks quite good in my top hat~ the pig was an extra ornament. lol

now i'm wondering whether i should upload videos as well. but i guess not. hahahaha. quite tired liao. fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop again. grr. why's this always happening now. blah. kk i'm going off cya guys!

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 05:38 p.m.:.
... guess who's back!
hey all, this is just a short one before i go to bed. my comp's been amazingly revamped and i don't know my way around my own desktop anymore.. have to personalise everything again. AND DAMN SCREWED COZ ALL MY MOZILLA BOOKMARKS ARE GONE AND I REALLY NEED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM ANYONE CAN TELL ME HOW TO RECOVER???

but anyway. *cough* erherm yes.

i'm quite sleepy. =) but i've been having fun. for those of you who're worried... well... there are occasional relapses. like, there are good days and bad days. monday was an example of a bad day - i saw him and i cried; and tuesday was an example of a good day - i saw him and i got super happy the rest of the day. the other days that i saw him this week were in betweens, nothing extreme. just got me a teeny-weeny lil bit down.

well just about today.. after school went down to moca's place. i'm not really sure how long the bus ride is from j8 to his place, coz i fell asleep. jishun who was sitting next to me was sleeping too. i think moca was the only one awake. yeah. fortunately.

well anyway... there's a performance tmr but it's gonna be for Interact, like they asked us to perform for the disabled people who're gonna be there. to moca, no worries, i think we're pro enough to figure something out, don't worry about that or tuesday. and yeah. =) thanks for being so patient all the way.

i don't really have very much else to say but i hope i get a lot of time some time soon to customize my desktop [it takes really alot of work coz i'm quite fussy] and i love y'all, esp my dear Doggy and aaron for the laughs and the great drain-jumping [jrain-jumping] adventure today and the laughs... hahaha!! and also mich, who always somehow understands who and what the hell i'm talking about at any point of time. =) basically my whole class. =) and mel for that letter she gave me on sunday. alright i'm kinda dozy. all my loves~

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:41 p.m.:.
... did you know i miss you?
just another day of sunshine, fun and laughter... and trying hard not to remember. much thanks to shirley who bothered to msg to ask how i was doin, and to dawn for entertaining my random phone call and to loong for laughing with me when i'm being stupid. ^^ much love to all!

and Heaven IS a nice song laaa. took you so long to realise, joel.

miaomiao. hrm. i guess i don't really have anything else to say. lol. so sorry. let's see if i have pictures for y'all~

oops none. ^^ oh oh i know! i was watching funny videos that i took on my phone before.. like that time in the singtel shop with aaron and loong... omg hilarious shit... and then yesterday went novena with loong again and we were stuck at the adidas shop for dunno how long sniffing the scents IT WAS FREAKING FUNNY. *laughs head off*

oh no i think i'm just gonna continue watching funny videos so i think i'm going off now! byebye!!

AWHILE LATER--

OH OH i have two pictures for y'all. i intended to put them up when i first took them. this is aaron. he came into the classroom one morning, and after we all got over the astonishment to the fact that he actually was in school, he proceeded to seat himself down and take out the apple strudel carrier.



lol. ok the date for this is.... 15th jan. whoots~ actually i just remembered more funny stuff that happened today but... others' lives are in jeopardy so i shall not say until it is... erm. safe. =D

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:48 p.m.:.
... i hurt a bit today.
it's hard sitting still on the crowded bus as it crawls by familiar places that carry bittersweet memories. sweet because they were wonderful. bitter because they won't happen again.

it's just... painful. places that we went together, things that we did, things that he said to me... i don't want to wonder whether he really meant them, back then. what good would it do? nothing.

but remembering hurts.

and there's nothing i can do about it.

--------------------

Strike up the band let it play
Love songs to haunt me, and I will stay
But when it comes to a waltz
Both words and music will ring false

For you waltzed in and spun my world
Around in dizzy dance I swirl
But suddenly you waltzed away
From me

Those violins, they must go
So no careless hand with a bow
May play on the strings of my heart
And make me remember how lovers part

For you waltzed in and spun my world
Around in dizzy dance I swirl
But suddenly you waltzed away
From me

Strike up the band, let it play
Whatever it choooses, and I will say
"Play me a waltz if you will
I'll sit here and listen, waiting until

My love returns to take my world
And spin it round in dizzy swirl
Where girl loves boy and boy loves girl
And feet don't touch the ground

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:56 p.m.:.
... music: Kimura Kaela - HAPPINESS!!!
wah this new blog template thing really doesn't seem to be happening.

well ANYWAY last night was SUPER nonsense... wth... but then again what can i expect from class outings~ nonsense in the good way la... it's always good to laugh. =) so smilez! if i can do it, i'm sure anyone can.

Dreaming, and singing
Laughing
Crying, and dancing
Falling in love
Subete ga chippoke na tsumi kasane
Atsumetara todoku to omou no
Kimi to onaji toki wa itsumo meguru

just watched a live performance of Christina Aguilera's HURT on youtube. gee i wish i could sing as strong as her.

hrm let's see. what can i blog about.

actually today after school we were supposed to go out and watch The Illusionist. supposed to be aaron + loong + yingqing + jishun and myself. but like, didn't check timings till too late, and then people were tired and loong had chinese till 2 and then yingqing had soccer prac at 5 so she couldn't leave school and in the end moca + jishun[?] + aaron + loong went over to moca's place. like dunno why the atmosphere was just damn... like irritable. o_O but talking to them online now, they seem alright... kinda.

anyway.. gerald's up to lead worship this sunday... first time in a long time. i think he really needs prayer, so, if you read this, just pray for him, that God will be with him and lead him in leading worship. lol. if you don't understand, then ... just pray for Gerald.

i realise there are tonnes of jap songs that i haven't familiarised myself with sitting in my comp. all from random mp3 rotation site rampages.

bleh bleh. another of my nothing much to say entries. well anyway last night... i was kinda... apprehensive la. coz j8 being his territory and all. might very well meet him along the way and then it'd just be those who know about it looking at me as i fumble thru. so yeahh... but you know at the same time it's that feeling of wanting to see him? so conflicting.

then halfway thru the meal [not MY meal, i wasn't eating, but like in general la] dawn msged saying "omg i see wing?"

diao. lol. turns out she was at wisma's esprit shopping and stuff... said that he was still in sch uniform and was with a guy. yeah.

lol i feel like a stalker! xD

yeah.

so anyway i missed the last two RR auditions!!! i wanted to be there and seeeeeee GRAHHH. i heard it's singapore idol audition standard *LAUGHS HEAD OFF* wonder what i would do if i were there.

jealousy... hrm.

yeah so i guess i'll be bucking up in terms of schoolwork quite a bit. BUT I JUST CAN'T GET FREAKING ECONS WTH.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 04:11 p.m.:.
... on this very special day, i'd just like to wish
HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY TO MY BESTEST PAL FOR 6 OR SO YEARS!!!.... DAWN!!!!

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 09:08 p.m.:.
... music: Ayumi Hamasaki - Momentum
i realised this is a sad song too. hahahaha. wth. the MV is really pretty.

and i also realised that i just love getting tags on my lil tag-board. xD yo to da, twin, loong, dawn, mich!.

well actually i don't really have much to talk about today. just that people keep coming up to me and asking whether i'm ok. *shrug* i don't really know you know.

hrm moca are you reading this? i kinda wanna do the song ENDLESS STORY. can we, please please please please???

bleh. i have nothing else to say. =)

oh well actually maybe i do.

over dinner we were kinda talking about jc and stuff. paul + martin + kangdi + cassandra and myself of course. or else i wouldn't be able to report it. lol.

then paul was saying that martin + kangdi have those typical jc look, the blurblur-no-idea-what-to-do-with-your-life look. hahahahaha. well in a way you can't really say that's wrong coz jc is the safe way to take if you don't know just what exactly what you wanna do in life yet. yeah. which is kinda what i am like now actually. but paul said i look like those who would are able to go poly. meaning that i have a purpose in life.

not that i find life meaningless or anything. i do have a purpose. to glorify Him. but in terms of what career path i'm gonna be going down, in fact what university i'm going to or whatever... i'm still clueless. everyone has dreams, but being in Singapore, some of those dreams are really.... only dreams. nothing more.

oh then anyway. tribute to my class. martin was saying that his current class was really really very dead and quiet. and we were telling him to wait till feb and see and then come back and tell us whether it was still quiet and dead. then started talking about bitchy "happening" people in schools who ostracize others and blablabla. then paul said that generally those very out-going, noisy people were quiet.... back-stabbish. hahahaha. then i shared with him about my wonderful class!! ^_^ my wonderful high class who gets totally high on nothing but air and music and themselves and whose guys are more enthu than the girls, kachao other guys and don't lay a finger on the girls, who dance crazy things in the classroom, who book a hotel room for class outing to play xbox and the mat-game twister.... and most of all, who really try to include everyone else [other than those who refuse to be included... it kinda can't be helped but they're still trying]

and paul was like, "wow cool.. those kinda people are really very rare."

and i was like, "totally~"

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:48 p.m.:.
... music: MLTR - The Ghost Of You
wah yesterday was seriously havoc. now i understand why we should always bring cvs to change into if we go for class outing or whatever. especially when our class consists of people like aaron and loong.

craziness. XD

thanks so much for the fun and laughter yesterday.

you know usually you look at these kinda groups of two guys and one girl, usually it'll be one of them is a couple, and then another friend hanging out with them. in this particular case, i would be the extra lightbulb of a friend, leaving them to be the "couple". *LHO* ok la don't worry, they're both straight. they just like to play.

music: Natasha Bedingfield - Single

i don't know how to blog about all the weird stuff they did so i guess you can just go look at some pics and stuff i put up on the class blog.

ok i'm doing too many things at the same time. byebye

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 01:31 p.m.:.
... music: Stacie Orrico - Stuck.
it's like, i really wanna blog coz i feel really obliged to friends who're visiting to read. but i really don't know what i'm supposed to blog about coz it'll all be whining and shit. because right now the latest thing that's been happening, the latest thing that i've been thinking about, is something that i don't wanna talk about here.

hrm hrm. how to be happy. let's see. is there anything that was happy..

ermz well yesterday morning went to run... all part of the plan to get back into shape... not just any shape but HEALTHY shape... and that turned out to be quite a mistake coz our PE teacher decided to be really strict on us and drill us for 2.4. so. damn tired. can hardly walk. like sitting and standing, i SUFFER. grah. but in the end still went to run today. about three rounds with long intervals between each. XD i suck la. eh but at least i ran k. i could've sat in the classroom and slept. waha.

ok let's see whether i remember what yesterday's QT was about. if i'm not wrong it was Genesis 24 and 25.

hrm hrm.

oh dear. i can't believe this. i shouldn't have just skimmed through, though i was so tired. grah. howhow.

oh i know i'll go search for those online bibles. =D

OH. YES.

issac and rebecca. or rebekah. same thing. actually i prefer the second one. don't know why lehz. must be the k. *laughs*

i'm searching for an online commentary. coz i never understood why the servant repeated the entire story to the family, and why it had to be written out exactly when they could've just put for one verse: "and he told them what his master had bid him, and what had happened at the well." and everyone knows what that is what.

perhaps it's about giving an exact account. and to testify that there IS a God. and that whatever had happened was His doing, therefore giving Him the glory.

i don't know, what do you guys think?

wah i'm damn tired. i think i'm going to check some people's blogs and then go sleep in the library. =)

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 08:07 a.m.:.
... from Mistress:
yayyy i love my Doggie. =) hahahaa really thanks for keeping me company these past few days, keeping me laughing. =) don't really have time coz my brother's waiting for the comp, but here's a song.

VERSE I
Standing here in Your presence
Thinking of the good things You have done
Waiting here patiently
Just to hear Your still small voice again
Holy righteous faithful to the end
Saviour hero redeemer and friend

CHORUS
I will worship You for who You are
I will worship You for who You are
I will worship You for who You are Jesus

BRIDGE
My soul secure, Your promise sure
You
My soul secure, Your promise sure
You
My soul secure, Your promise sure
You...

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:10 p.m.:.
... "mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete.."
Be strong... Be stronger... Be strong...

i've been hearing these words, over and over again, falling from the lips of different people... him being the very first one.

hahahaa... listen up kids. this is what happens when you don't learn what God tries to teach you fast enough.

i don't think it's about me becoming a stronger person. well, partly that, perhaps.. wiser in the decisions i make in the future.

but i think it's more about becoming a stronger person... in HIM. not by myself.

those of you who know what's going on, good for you. those of you who don't... do me a favour and please don't ask me. ask someone else.

tatoeba dareka no tame ja naku anata no tame ni
utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai story tsuzuku kono kagayaki ni
Always tsutaetai zutto eien ni

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 12:10 p.m.:.
... Mercy Me - Keep Singing
Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
You're the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 12:47 a.m.:.
... cold
among my new year msgs, one of them was from lydia cheam from chinese cong.. synthesis.

hey, happy new year, may all your dreams come true!

well yesterday, my nightmare did.

it's quite funny actually. how i knew all along that this was coming. how i was so scared these past few weeks, without knowing why. how i got hooked onto songs like Hide&Seek and SAYONARAsummerdays... quite hilarious don't you think?

i don't think i'll be blogging for quite awhile more.

to my classmates, i'm sorry if i gave you a scare today.. yingqing, loong, yiwen, aaron... i can't thank you enough for being there.

i don't really know what else to say. just that i feel so cold, inside and out.

i should stop thinking.

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 07:17 p.m.:.
... music: Lene Marlin - Fight Against The Hours
hey all! internet's down but i decided to blog so here's an entry on paper. it might or might not reach you guys. i just finished writing a four-side letter in both english and chinese. it was addressed to someone in mind, but i don't think that on'es oging anywhere but the dust bin, and not before being ripped into little shreds.

it's the insecurity. it's killing me. they say hate and jealousy eat you up. guess what? i found sth else to add to the list of emotions that can do that to you.

firstly, i have to say sorry to aaron for snapping at him this morning. what got to me then was when loong said, "she looks damn happy today!" when i came in.

scared to death.

on a happier note, i've been meeting lots of old friends all over th aplce these past two days. (: really lovely seeing everyone again! and of course being with my funky class that hits"infinite" on the fun scale does distract and cheer me up lots.

another thing today.. i re-learnt that jishun's really good at reading people. really fast. like me + loong + enli and him were eating at the mini-canteen table together and talking about some stuff. i didn't even say much and he suddenly said, "you seem... pissed."

which i was. amongst some other emotions.

anyway... the reason for the meafer new year post there is that i was quite resolved not to post until i got another template up. [who's k anyway?] but since NO ONE seems to be able to help me out with that, looks like i'll have to break that resolution (: so here it is. another post.

haha... i realised that even though sometimes i kinda isolate myself and all... that when it comes down to ground zero, i really need my friends, which is all you guys. so very much.

mrpeterbooth our form teacher hasn't shown up so far... wonder if he will tomorrow. doubt it. for econs we got a change of teacher. lagman. he can be terribly sarcastic when he wants to be, as we already found out during lectures and stuff. and super pro. first lesson of the year and with us ever and he's set us four full essays as well as two outlines due by next week.

basically, i'm gonna be SO screwed for econs this year. it's bad. REAL bad.

hrmz i know i should've done this earlier in the post, but i think i'd better give a word a thanks here to dawn, my best friend, and gerald, who has been giving me random but surprisingly timely calls these past two or three days. ahhaaha. both of you have really stood behind me, especially today, when i really really needed the support. just read my email, and here's another brother to thank: loong. ... *hugs* thanks so much Doggy. you have no idea how much you actually did for me today.

i realise that the reason i'm afraid to speak to people, even if they ask, is coz i'm afraid they'll either get irritated or bored.

well, admit it. that's the way it is. people are selfish. *shrug* just some more and some less than others.

i wonder how much this is on screen.

poor ally and mich, missing all the class time. i hope they're having fun with the j1s, and being ogls and all... i know ally's definitely having a great time with her co-ogl... *laughs* btw girl, if you're reading this, at that canteen table aforementioned your name came up. about you and lewis. hope you don't mind me telling them about your 19 letters to lewis over the UK lit trip. if you do, i'm sorry, coz i already told them. if you don't... then... you don't la.

ok inormally don't make new year resolutions coz i never keep them and i hate that feeling of failure and inadequacy. but this year, i realise i unconsciously made one:

TO TONE UP AND GET BACK INTO SHAPE THIS YEAR.

eh wah i realise edensol's samuel is an ogl, along with annabel some more. and i still dont' know his surname.

OH YEAH! before i go any further. yesterday after school i went to meet dawn at her place where i ate lunch and then we were all over orchard buying stuff and just spending time and making memories together. on the way to her place, i missed an mrt stop... coz... blur blur me was engrossed in P&P [pride and prejudice] [btw peeps this is the 3rd fulscap side i'm on!] but yeah anyway back to what i was saying, guess who i met?...

SHIYING MUMBLEYY!!!

i called her name and she stared at me for a moment with the "who are you" look on her face. i got taht super alot from exclassmates i met on the street when i had long hair. now that it's kinda longish again i'm getting the same problem too ): yeah. then so all i could do was wtach and wait as realisation dawned upon her [oops pun unintended! XD sorry buddy!] and she waited for the next train so we could chat for a few mintes. we met at carmel church and that time when i first met her we just went crazy together.

she's very much saner now. so am i. at least then.

i lost her phone number. the junior cheerleaders' ones as well. blame it on the lack of space in the sim card.

i wanna new phone. z610i. saw someone with it today, during PE. one of my doggy's many "girlfriends"... yeah. lol. disclaimer: she's not really his girlfriend, i don't know her but last i heard her official status was "taken". yepyep.

wow. i realise how much i've missed my fulscap pad. i miss writing. therefore i shall continue to write more. (:

marcus looks so cute in his long pants!

grah. my mom's gonna throw out my soft goosefeather pillow. TT_TT NUOOO!!! i love it and want it always. maybe i shouldn't have told her my plan to bring it to school--not it'll definitely disappear tmrw. ): BOO.

*carries pillow to school*

*laughs* today she was saying that she realised the three of us "very steady". we were all abit like, "huh. steady?" then she went on to explain that although we were falling sick, we were all like really calm about it. "rachel was like, 'oh, i think i'm getting fever. should i take panadol? 2 arh? ok.' pop, then ok go sleep. martin leh, knock on our door in the morning: 'i think i need to puke.' then blehhh. marcus... you don't even seem to know you're sick! msg me say you vomitted on the bus, then i was so worried, kept smsing you and calling you and asking you to call me back to find out if you're ok, wanna come home and rest or not, then no response!"

*laughs head off*

gee that's quite funny.

actually i still wanna write more. kinda need to, to distract myself... marcus is online now, i shall try the connection once he's done, and post this up. more time taken. well. sorry to be so long-winded! haha... cya around guys, all my loves.


i'm here
sitting in a bed
in a place where i
don't feel at home

where are you?
i sure don't know why
you haven't called me
you promised you would

the phone must be broken
it has to be broken
i'm sure there's a reason
say there's a reason

i fight against the hours
i cannot go to sleep
i know that if i lay down now
inside i know i'll weep
guess i'm holding on to treasures
to things that just aren't there
to people that i used to know
to words i wish to hear

i'm here
thinking only of you
wish to know if i
need to go

and i try
i swear to you that i try
but you haven't called me
you promised you would

the phone must be broken
it has to be broken
i'm sure there's a reason
say there's a reason

i fight against the hours
i cannot go to sleep
i know that if i lay down now
inside i know i'll weep
guess i'm holding on to treasures
to things that just aren't there
to people that i used to know
to words i wish to hear

i'm thinking about you
wondering about you
do i really know you?
have i ever known you?

i fight against the hours
i cannot go to sleep
i know that if i lay down now
inside i know i'll weep
guess i'm holding on to treasures
to things that just aren't there
to people that i used to know
to words i wish to hear



.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 10:26 p.m.:.
... The Brilliant Green - SAYONARA Summer is Over
Konayuki wo maiorita gozen goji
Mada nemaime wo kosutte
5 in the morning, the powdery snow fell
I still rub my sleepy eyes

Ookina TORANKU ni fuku wo tsumete
Kami mo naosazu dekaketa
Cramming my clothes into the big trunk
I went out without fixing my hair

Eki made no minareta keshiki to
Omoide ga mune wo shimetsukete ita
The familiar scenery up to the train station
& the memories have tightened my heart

Kashite ita shousetsu nara moyashite
Setsujitsu naru omoi to issho ni
As for the novel I borrowed from you, I'll burn it
together with the thoughts that are getting urgent

Natsu wa owatta kara
Because summer was over

Sasaekirenu omoide wo tabanete
Sora e to nageta SAYONARA
I bundle up the memories that I can't carry
& throw them to the sky...goodbye

Kusa no ue futari de miageta
Natsu no sora totemo daisuki datta
Te wo nobashi anata ni furetai
Kurushikute nido to kanawanai yume nara
Mitakunai noni
I really liked the summer sky that we
looked up at, while lying on the grass
Reaching out, wanting to be touched by you
It's painful; if I have another unfulfilled dream,
I don't want to see it

Senshuu kaita MEMO o yabutte
Hatasenai yakusoku to issho ni
I tear up the memo you wrote last week
together with the broken promises

Natsu wa owatta kara
Because summer was over

Kaze ga fuku tabi ni kokoro ga shizumu keredo
Ima wa namida no yuube ni mi wo kogashite
Inoru yagate kuru asahi ni kono hikari ni
Yureru ORENJI no keshiki wo me ni yakitsukete
Everytime the wind blows, I get depressed, but
right now, I long for your body on this tearful evening
I pray that you'll come soon, in the morning sun, in this light
the shaky orange scenery stays imprinted in my eyes

.:-krayle*- hugged all her loves at 05:57 p.m.:.
...